Going underground

Naked in Ibiza.

7th October 2013


Ibiza and the naked flame on the underground


Chains, piercings and tattoos in Ibiza.

Approaching Ibiza we expected to hear the monotonous sounds of house, garage or garden shed music blaring out from 30 miles away like a fog horn warning us to keep clear. I had inked various non-meaning shapes and Chinese characters on one arm and attached various chains and shackles to my appendages so I could fit in with this world-famous lair of immorality. Unfortunately I had to remove the heavier decorations as my knees couldn’t stand the weight and my lungs couldn’t cope for too long on the bottom when I tried to swim.


Everyone’s gone to bed in San Antonio, Ibiza

San Antonio, Ibiza

San Antonio, Ibiza

Our first port of call on Ibiza was the bay in San Antonio where we anchored after the eleven hour crossing. I don’t know what we expected but it wasn’t this. The place looked a little grubby and pretty dead. Then again, it was still only eight o’clock in the evening so no doubt the inhabitants were still recovering from the night before in some bed or other. If there was a thriving night life I certainly didn’t hear it as I crashed out, mentally exhausted from doing nothing on a windless crossing. The San Antonio Bay, Ibiza Webcam can be found here.


Cala Vadella, Ibiza

swimming in Cala Vadella, Ibiza

A refreshing swim in Ibiza

The following morning we joined up with Mark, Jane and the boys to sail further down the coast of Ibiza to see what we could find. We had an exhilarating sail across the bay in some good winds before turning between islands and heading south. We had only been sailing a couple of hours when we saw another boat in front of us heading directly for a cliff. Then it just disappeared. We followed to find it had gone into a winding Cala (bay or inlet) that was stunning (Cala Vadella). The cliffs were sheer, the water was pure turquoise and you could clearly see the bottom 8 meters down. We dropped anchor and almost immediately jumped into the warm water. It was our little piece of heaven in Ibiza and something we had looked forward to for so long. Cala Vadella was just amazing and our time there is one we would never forget… for many reasons.


Why are all these ball bearings on our deck?

Whilst diving off the front of the boat we saw numerous ball bearings rolling around the deck. We later discovered they were from a drum that allows the Genoa (big sail at the front) to be pulled in and out. It needed fixing somehow as without it we couldn’t sail but, for this day at least it could wait.


Everyone on the boats were naked

Looking around at the other boats at anchor it became clear that the only way to live on a boat was to be naked. I suppose it saves on the washing but there were certainly a few bodies that could do with a good iron. Everyone was at it and if you can’t beat them…….


We picked a nudist beech on Ibiza for our barbecue

Nudist Beach Barbacue

Barbecue on the nudist beach

Later in the day “Big Joe” and his wife Janice sailed into the bay proudly displaying a huge St Andrews flag. We all arranged to go to a small bit of sand in the dinghies and have a Barbecue. When we got there we saw 6 or 7 young and very attractive people who were again totally naked. Come on, how were we to know it was a nudist beach?Not that I noticed but there had been a lot of topiary going on among the girls. Certainly there were no reservations about the way they sat although I doubt their mothers would have been too happy. Later one of the girls came across to get a light. She was totally naked from head to foot and beyond. It was difficult to know just where to look. Well it wasn’t but you have to say these things.


Drink like you have never drunk before!

After the barbecue big Joe invited us back to his boat for a few of his special drinks. When I say a few it is a wonder that boat ever floated with the amount of alcohol he brought out …and we drunk. I will never call a Scottish man tight again. They were wonderful hosts and by the end of the night South African Mark was unable to talk or walk but he did have a silly smile on his face and dribbled a lot.


Be careful where you get stung!

Angi bikini ibiza

Just relax in Ibiza

The following day was much the same. Relaxing and socialising in the scorching sun interspersed with lots of swimming from the boat. Angelina came back with tales of fighting toe to toe with a ferocious jelly fish and being stung on two fingers. Jelly fish were a constant problem and there were few people who didn’t get mauled by them over the coming months.

That night Joe and Janice again took pity on the unfortunates of society and invited us aboard for a huge curry and yet more various alcoholic concoctions he had invented. They were wonderful company, perfect hosts and we wish we could have sailed with them further but he had to go back to something he called “work”.

Those two days in Cala Vadella on Ibiza had been magical but we would have many more over the coming year.


Formentera. Crystal clear waters

The following morning, the 10th July we set off with Mark, Jane and the boys south to a bay called Punta Rasa on Formentera, an island just south of Ibiza. Like all of our time around the Balearic’s the sun was out to get us. We had lost too many ball bearings from the drum of the Genoa to be able to use the sail so we had to motor southwards.


Mines bigger than your’s.


One of the smaller ones!

The waters around Formentera are totally turquoise and so clear. It was a haven for the rich and famous where literally miles of floating private ten star luxury yachts lined up for their owners to be pampered. Their electrical generators use more fuel in one day than we had used in the last three years. It can cost £100,000 to fill up with fuel and believe me, on those boats it does not last long. We were in a world we would never belong to but were they really and truly happy…. Dam right they were.

For us, we anchored for the night and swam. Life was now about relaxing, chatting and keeping cool. Putting on work clothes meant taking clothes off. There is just something refreshing and liberating in swimming and sailing naked and of course the white bits go to red and then 50 shades of brown (Hey I might write a book about that). Shoes had been consigned to lockers and it was best to never look in a mirror.

Sometimes in life less is more. We had nothing yet we were still the luckiest and richest people on earth. Life couldn’t get better…could it?


Life on the London Underground

And for those of you in London battling on the underground a lifetime away from where we are hopefully these will cheer you up…..




A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers…


1) ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’


2) ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’


3) ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’


4) ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’


5) ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.


6) ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’


7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna,ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’


8) ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause ) ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….’


9) ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’


10) ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’


11) ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’


12) ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’


13) ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause..) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!’


14) ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the


So where would you rather be..the underground or Ibiza?



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