Repent your sins with beer!
It is the answer to all our problems
Beer is always the answer so what is the question?
The Police and security services have got the art of grilling villains and terrorists all wrong and I should know because I was classed as an expert.
In my previous grown up life I was a Police Detective, skilled in interrogation techniques that were sharper than Lassie’s homing instincts when that idiot Johnny kept falling down the well. I could read the twitch of an eyebrow, a narrowing of eyes, the beads of sweat and all the tell-tale signs of guilt but enough about my wife’s credit card usage. This is about the questioning of suspects.
A battle of wits
It used to be fun, a battle of wits between the police and some idiot so stupid he had managed to get himself caught. You could play good cop, bad cop or even good cop, good cop which really confused them. There was honour among thieves whereby they believed, “You did the crime and you did the time”. To them a Police interview was akin to a confessional box and the police would happily give them a few Hail Mary’s to recite on their way to prison.
Then it all changed.
Confess all my son, you dropped that litter didn’t you?
Come to the dark side
Some politicians who were no doubt lawyers themselves before they turned to the dark side saw a way of making money. They allowed criminals to have representation in interviews, gave them the right to say nothing and allowed them a phone call. They even called upon the tax payers to fund their defence!
Things were not as much fun anymore and criminals were prevented from being given absolution.
Forget brutality, give them a beer.
Something needs to be done. We need to redress the balance and in these days of austerity and accusations of brutality by the authorities I have the perfect weapon. It’s called beer!
Oh, you may think I am being pink and fluffy but there are years of self-funded, dedicated research that I have put into this. (See the post of why drinking makes you a better sailor)
So how does beer help?
You see, give a man beer and he cannot help but brag to anyone who will listen about all the things he has done. Give him enough beer and he will tell you how he was out returning a book to the repository when he found himself on a grassy knoll in Dallas with a rifle in his hand as a motorcade drove by.
You know what I am saying is true. After a few beers you start bragging to people you barley know about how you had sex with the woman next door thirty seven times last night and the idiot of a husband has no idea. It is only when you receive a sharp punch to the throat do you realise that the man you are bragging to in your drunken stupor is her husband!
So, with my interrogation technique we can clear up all crime without even a trial as criminals will be all too willing confess everything. If they decide they want a lawyer along we can no doubt give him a few beers as well and charge him with tax evasion and banging his secretary over the photocopier. (Stop sweating, we are only after the lawyers here).
Only very young children and drunks tell the truth
A bar at Border Control with free beer
Now let’s take this a step further and implement it at border control. Give those wanting to come in beer and then ask their reasons for entering the country. Terrorists will brag to you strait away how they have a pound of high explosives hidden in their shoes and drug runners will be taking their own X-Rays to show you just where it is. They can be stopped there and then.
Ollliffers, I have drugs hidden in here and Semtex in my boots
Guantanamo Bay cost millions in orange suits alone over the years but if it had been erected as one giant beer serving camp it could all have been over within days. Most people kept there were not used to drinking so a couple of beers and we would have had both Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein’s appointment books for the next year. They could have been rung up and invited down to join the party. There would have been no need to design packs of playing cards, no accusations of brutality and billions would have been saved in bombing empty caves and redesigning the landscape of several countries. Guantanamo Bay has had some bad publicity in its time and needed re-branding. Guantanamo Bar sounds much better and they could have given out orange Tee shirts with a nice logo rather than a number on. They could of even given out rucksacks with a six pack in each.
There would be no more conspiracy theories.
Take it to its ultimate conclusion and we could get answer to all those things you have suspected but could never prove such as …
Does Donald Trump really wear a wig, is Elvis still alive and working at MacDonald’s in Detroit, was Barack Obama created in Area 51 and can a man ever understand a woman?
The one thing beer won’t make you understand is a woman’s mind
So, is beer the answer?
Of course it is.
These thoughts are my own and no products were tested on animals or young children during the making of this post.
Guantanamo Bay is a trademark of the American Government and should not be reproduced without their express permission.
I am always willing to test my beer theories anytime.