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Assisted suicide in Malta

4th October 2014
Maltese Cross
Anchoring Techniques

Assisted suicide in Malta

The next stop is hell

If for some reason you have a death wish or want to go where assisted suicide is legal then go to Malta. All the bus drivers are trained assassins and if they don’t get you then the pyromaniacs will. I am not kidding here. The people of Malta are like suicidal lemmings and they actively encourage you to join in with their pursuits.


Buy a ticket for assisted suicide

Buses in Malta

Gone are the beautiful old 


Assisted suicide is 1.50 euros a day and they even have lampposts every 1000m advertising where they do it. They call them bus stops but be in no doubt that if you pay to get on you are never get off again, alive. The busses don’t have an accelerator pedal, only a maximum warp speed and a throw you through the windscreen brake pedal. Both are used to excess. The way they tease you into thinking you may survive is to cram the busses with 6,004 people so you cannot move and then hang plastic tabs from the ceiling for you to swing on. If you do survive long enough to reach your stop you have no hope of getting off. In fact getting on a bus means that you abandon all hope utterly and completely. You may be able to reach a stop button if you can prise a little finger free but glance at the demonic eyes of the driver in his rear view mirror and you will see them on fire and laughing hysterically. There is only one door at the front and the driver will stop for 0.38 seconds in which time you have to push past 5,989 people to get to the front and get off. Forget it. Just know you are going to be on that bus for life which as I explained isn’t long.


Shock and Awe

If public transport is not for you the pyromaniac assassins of Malta will still get you anyway. You would think a small island that was bombed relentlessly during the Second World War would never want to hear another explosion again. You would be so wrong.


Bunker busting bombs

Paradise Bay, Malta

Shock on the outside, Awe in the middle

The Maltese got so used to it they carry the tradition of shock and awe on by continually launching cluster bombs into the sky. When I say sky I use the word sparingly. The tubes the mortars are set off from are huge but have a very bad habit of falling over spewing their contents into the nearest hard (or soft) object they find. You will see people lighting the tubes but not before they build themselves a reinforced concrete shelter to run and hide in. We saw a contingent of American and NATO five star generals come to watch these bunker busters in action. Unfortunately they left by bus so it is doubtful they ever got back to report their findings. These so call fireworks go off with a sonic boom that can shake your tooth fillings loose and empty your bowels instantly. Do not worry too much though as if you manage to ever get a seat on a bus they are all designed in brown.

To further add to the people of Malta’s desire for explosions they also have a cannon salute across Grand Harbour every day. They used to love shooting birds as well. So successful were they at this that you won’t find one bird left on Malta.


What is Malta really like?

Grand Harbour, Malta

Grand Harbour, Malta

So why risk your life by going to Malta. Why, because it is one of the most amazing small Islands we have ever visited. It is how I would imagine England to be 50 years ago only a little more so. The locals are very friendly helping us where they could. We even got invited for tea by an elderly couple who we stopped to ask directions of (I kid you not). They all speak Maltese and you have no chance of understanding that language but they all speak English as well. The history and architecture of the islands is truly jaw dropping. The scale and condition of their forts and citadels is second to none. Malta is the biggest of three islands that people refer to as Malta but there are also two other smaller inhabited islands call Camino and Gozo.



Gozo was our favourite of the three with it amazing citadel in the centre of the Island and it should not be missed. They had cordoned off part of the island as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were there filming. Those two do seem to follow us around for some reason. The old part of the capital of Malta, Valletta is again stunning with its huge wall protecting the inner city. It towers over Grand harbour giving views of the three cities that make up Valletta. The history of the Knights of St John is everywhere and is an amazing story in itself, the way a small group of monks defended Malta against hordes of invaders that vastly outnumbered them.


Sailing in Malta

Angelina by moonlight

Moonlight in Malta

Being a small Island Malta loves its boats and sailing. Every weekend you see sail boat after sail boat streaming out of the harbours to go find one of the numerous bays to anchor and swim in. They also cater to the ever growing younger generation with night clubs and numerous party boats. These boats can be heard everywhere pumping out a million kilowatts of house and garage music so those aboard can get drunk and deaf at the same time. On more than one occasion we were anchored in some remote peaceful bay overnight when one turned up. The constant pounding of the base was all we needed to go find an assisted suicide bus stop or throw ourselves prostrate on a firework mortar.


War relations in Malta

Submarines in Malta

Umbra Crew

My own relation, Harold Lindsay, served throughout the war on submarines based in Malta only a stone’s throw from where we left our boat, Cygnus III. We know he served on HMS Umbra for a time and was a modest man never mentioning anything about the war. It was only after his death we found he had been to Buckingham Palace and was awarded a medal by the Queen.


Did we like Malta? Too right we did, we absolutely loved it and next year we will be paying another visit to this strange and wonderful island called Malta but we won’t be using the busses.



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  1. I spent 5 years in Grand Harbour Marina. It was probably the best 5 years of my life – moving on simply because ‘it’s what we do’.
    It is truly an amazing place with people to match, I cannot honestly think of a bad side to Malta (Except joining the EU, but that’s a different story.)
    It is a place I will revisit, even swallow the anchor and live there when the time comes.
    The old busses were simply incredible and fantastic, the bus drivers actually cross themselves when passing a roadside cross which causes panic when you are hurtling towards a roundabout.
    I wouldn’t change a thing but it appears the damned politicians are doing that anyway.
    Martyn Schofield
    SY Harmonia

    1. Martyn,
      I totally agree with you and felt instantly at home in Malta. Unfortunately the EU got involved and banned the buses. What was wrong with being able to see the road through the floor?
      Now the marinas have been sold to private companies the costs have risen so much it is beyond our budget but in summer there are some amazing anchorages.

  2. The islanders became somewhat psychotic after being forced to repeatedly watch Bogart in the “Maltese Falcon”. That’s what happens when you live on a small island. The British, on the other hand, live on larger islands and only went as far as to drive on the wrong side of the road, call fish&chips cuisine and believe Monty Python to represent real life. Just kidding of course, I think.

    1. To a certain extent parts of Malta are like the UK was 30 years ago which is no bad thing. Unfortunately you are right and the UK is like Monty Pythons at times but I do miss fish and chips.

  3. Your bus stories make me glad I rented a car when we were there 🙂

    Did you see Popeye’s village? When I first saw it from a distance I thought it was a real, quirky Maltese fishing village.


    1. Craig, Popeye’s village is real, the tooth fairy told me. We did see it. It was used to make the film and still has a lot of the items used in the film there. Now where’s my Spinach.

  4. Hay mark brilliant to see you two enjoying life ya never seem to change angy too .. luv ya comments and blog are great adventures .. Beautiful folk have great lives it is true hope the lads are well never got to see them much but if their anything like you am surd they will go far !! Ya Old mate Sean xx

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